An Interview with Dame Margaret Montgomery

Firstly may I say what a pleasure it is to meet you, Dame Margaret.

Thank you, dear.

And what a part - Granny Gold, the empress of evil, the archbishop of arch-bitches, the cardinal of cardinal sinners! Is this the pinnacle of your career?

Not really.

Oh.

I mean, I haven't had an acting career. I was plucked off the street to be Granny Gold and, well, here I am!

I'm flabbergasted. You've never acted before?

Never. I was toddling along one day with my shopper, and a nice young man stopped me and said he worked for an obscure internet-only TV channel and would I like to audition for a part? I said yes, of course. I mean, you don't get an offer like that every day, do you? He invited me to his office and I signed a five year contract that very same day.

But you weren't doing too badly before that by the sound of it. You said you were out with your shopper.

Yes, my tartan shopper.

You have a Scottish personal shopper? How a la mode!

It's a bag on wheels, dear. So anyway, they explained they had this character in mind and I was the spitting image of what they wanted.

You must have natural acting ability, then, to bring the character so vividly to life.

Not really. I just play myself, to be honest. That's what the director said to me. Just play yourself, only a tinsy bit more evil. I'll give you an example. When my grandson comes round I give him a slice of ginger cake. When Granny Gold's grandson comes round she gives him a murder weapon. It's only a subtle change but it makes all the difference.

What do you think of method actors like Carl Lovell (Brandon Gold), who prepared for his part by spending three weeks encased in plastic?

Carl is a love. He takes things very seriously, but then he went to drama college. I'm just little old me, an everyday granny plucked from obscurity and thrust into the limelight.

You are fond of cliches, aren't you?

At the end of the day, you've always got something to say.

Dame Margaret, thank you very much.

Since this interview went to press we have discovered that Dame Margaret Montgomery is, in fact, a genuine actress who has trod the boards in the West End for many years, and the story that she is an everyday granny plucked from obscurity was invented by the publicity department of Plastic St. Deplorable.

Episode 9 - The View from the Top

"This," Granny Gold announced, "is the edge of the world."

They had walked right through Plastic St, past the little schoolhouse, the Plastic family house, the vet's and the hospital. They followed the road until it ran out, then walked. Brandon had never been this far, and he suddenly felt his life was very narrow.

"Behold the abyss!" cried Granny Gold dramatically.

"What?" said Grandad.

Granny Gold sighed. "The view. Haven't you got your glasses on?"

"What, these?" Grandad Gold rummaged in his pockets and began to juggle with about six pairs of glasses. "I've got my reading glasses, my long distance glasses, my short distance glasses, my bingo glasses, my toilet glasses -"

"Hang on," interrupted Brandon. "Why would you need a different pair of glasses for going to the toilet? I can't see the point."

"Ah, but I can when I've got my toilet glasses on," Grandad said sagely. "Now, which glasses should I use for looking at a view, I wonder? Ah yes, the panoramics." He set a pair of extra wide glasses on his nose and gazed around. "No, it's no good. Can't see a thing."

Granny Gold huffed. She had a sudden urge to push Grandad from behind and enjoy watching him tumble down the sheer drop in front of them, arms flailing like windmills.

"You're very quiet, my love," Grandad said, putting on an enormous pair of pink star-shaped glasses that made him look like Elton John.

Granny pulled herself together. Now was not the time to bump Grandad off. There would be plenty of other opportunities and besides, Brandon was present and she didn't quite trust her grandson.

Brandon stared down at the drop. So this was it, the end of the world. There was nothing else out there, nothing at all. Nowhere to go. He would leave school, get a job in the hospital or vet's or just wander around aimlessly like most of the Plastic St inhabitants, and that would be it.

The thought made him smile. So there was nothing to live for. Big deal. That meant he had nothing to lose. He could be as evil as he liked, just like Granny Gold, and things could only get better. He surveyed his grandmother, gazing out over the empty landscape like the figurehead on a ship, and he had the sudden urge to give her a shove. If Granny Gold disappeared, it would save a lot of heartache. Granny Gold was pure evil. He would be a hero, once people understood.

He stepped back and kept his hands well to himself. A hero? No way. It was a villain he wanted to be now, it was his destiny. And he would out-villain Granny Gold. But not yet. First he would learn from her. Then he would trump her. And the name of Brandon Gold would be feared, from Plastic St to... He looked around him. From one end of Plastic St to the other end of Plastic St!