Tuesday 21 April 2009

Episode 11 - Ray Gets a Grip

"Nice boy, that Brandon," murmured Ray to himself as he wandered back into the house.

He had a new vision - he was going to be the father and husband he'd always hoped to be. Not this vague, dispirited version of himself he'd become, constantly searching for meaning in a meaningless world. He would bond with Tom, get him to grow up a bit. They would play football together. He would try to persuade him to put down his plastic train and behave like a normal teenager.

And Sara. The poor girl was scared of her own shadow. Scared of any shadow, in fact, but particularly her own as it seemed freakily to follow her around. He would be a strong role model and show her the world was nothing to be afraid of.

As for Mary - well, it was about time she had that baby. He was beginning to suspect it was just a pillow she'd stuffed up there when he wasn't looking. He'd never seen her without her maternity dress. Perhaps they were sold as a unit: dress with fake bump, ideal for the wife who has run out of excuses. Well, excuse time was over. That baby was coming out.

He marched into the living room where Mary lay sprawled on the only chair, rubbing her bulging stomach with absentminded affection as an over-familiar news programme blared out. He was relieved to see that the other members of Uterus had left.

"Fancy a curry, dear?" he suggested lightly.

"Oh, no thanks," said Mary. "I'm not really in the mood."

I know that, thought Ray glumly. "Don't be silly, love. I'm offering to cook. A lovely hot curry - yum yum. I'll go out and get the ingredients -"

"Ray, it's summer. I don't want a curry. Besides, I want to rehearse some more tonight. Joss has thought of some great dance moves. I don't want to be full of heavy, lumpy curry."

"But you're full of a heavy, lumpy baby. How can you be contemplating pop stardom in your condition?"

Mary dragged herself up and planted her hands where her hips should have been. "Are you saying that woman with babies shouldn't have careers?" she demanded.

"No, I, er..." Ray blustered. "Not when they're about to give birth!" he burst out.

"You male chauvinist pig!" Mary shouted. "Come on, children! We're going out. And we're leaving your father here until he comes to his senses - which could be a long time."

"Good, maybe you'll finally have had the baby by then!" snarled Ray.

Tom and Sara clambered down from upstairs. Sara let out a shriek and pointed at Ray.

"Yes, I know," said Mary, nodding. "He's a living, breathing anachronism."

"No!" wailed Sara. "It's not that! It's his shadow!"