Episode 19 - Talk to the Hand

Ray got up and peered down into the abyss. There was an old man down there, waving an outrageous pair of novelty glasses. Brandon had been telling the truth! Again that boy had been able to bring Ray back into the here and now, to make him face reality instead of wondering if he was the victim of some crazed experiment.

"Okay, we need a rope and a line of very strong people. Mary, stand aside."

"I will not, you chauvinist!" Mary said hotly, clutching a hand to her unborn child.

"I'll get your kids," Brandon suggested. The evil plan Granny Gold had tasked him with was beginning to come together. The Plastic family would die, horribly, and he, Granny and Grandad could move into their lovely house with a toilet, television, and fake hob, all with realistic sound effects. He rubbed his hands in glee. Soon the whole family would be tumbling over the edge. Screaming, hopefully. He had always loved making people scream.

"Wait!" called out Richard.

Brandon's face darkened. Could his father have figured out the plan? Richard had always thought the worst of him, and had even made Brandon move in with Granny Gold. It was all because he didn't have ginger hair like the rest of the family. And because he had set fire to his sisters' bedroom. But it wasn't fair!

"It's very kind of you and your wife to offer to rescue my father, but I simply can't let you," Richard said to Ray. "I'm Richard Gold, by the way."

Ray held out his hand. "Ray Plastic. Pleased to meet you. And this is Mary."

They shook hands. Richard looked puzzled. "New, are you? Strange, I feel as though we've always known each other."

"I have that feeling too," Ray said. "About everything, really. I wonder, do you ever feel like there's nothing else out there, like we're just lumps of moulded material, bent to another's will -"

But Richard had already approached the edge of the abyss and was leaning over it.

"Dad! You know I love you, don't you?"

"What?" Grandad Gold bellowed.

"I love you!"

"I know you're above me, that's the whole problem! Would somebody please help me up?"

"No, Dad. You don't understand. This is your chance - your chance to walk away from Mum. She's evil! Evil, I tell you! Walk away - and don't look back!"

Grandad Gold stood alone in that great empty space, like a small children's figurine left on a giant carpet. "But I love her," he said simply. "And there's nowhere left to turn."

"But there is, Dad! There's always hope! We can get you counselling - you can join a self-help group."

"Spouses Of Dangerous Enigmatic Matriarchs," Mary suggested.

"Mary says SODEM!" Richard called down.

"No, son, there's literally nowhere to turn." Grandad gestured with his arm. "It's empty down here. So please can I come back up? Your mother does make a nice cup of tea, for all her faults. And I did want to see the Battle of the Bands. Satan Rising by Gore Hell Vandals is sick!"

Brandon and Mary looked at each other. They were both competing that night, Brandon as drummer with the teenage tearaways Gore Hell Vandals, and Mary with her post-menopausal girl group Uterus.

"Uterus are going to win," Mary growled.

"They can't if you're not there," Brandon growled back. He made a grab for Mary and suddenly they were teetering on the edge of the abyss, each trying to push the other over.

"Stop!" Richard shouted. "Brandon, we must play tennis before you die! At least one game!"

Brandon paused and stared at his father. "What's with the weird priorities, Dad?"

Richard swallowed nervously. How could he tell Brandon he suspected he was the result of Wendy's foolish fling fifteen years ago with Goran the professional tennis player?

Mary took the opportunity to duck out from under Brandon's arms. Pushing a concerned Ray away, she checked her watch. "Battle of the Bands starts in ten minutes and I'm not letting Uterus down." She marched back up the road, Brandon running after her making a rude gesture while frantically practising his drum solo at the same time. Ray and Richard exchanged resigned glances, sighed, and followed.

Alone again, Grandad Gold cleared his throat. "Hello? Hello up there? Where is everyone?"

Suddenly a huge dark shadow appeared over him and he was lifted high into the air by what looked like five enormous pink sausages. Before he could wonder what was happening, he was set down gently on the edge of the road leading back to Plastic St.

Grandad Gold brushed himself down. "Humph," he said to himself. "That was handy."

The giant hand behind him paused, as though considering giving the old man a slap, but then seemed to think better of it and rose slowly back into the air and out of sight.

The Return of Plastic St!

Hold your tongues, gossip-mongers! And may you be fitted with scold's bridles if you tell false tales! Can it really be true? Can Plastic St be returning? We sneaked an interview with creator Lou Treleaven to find out the truth...

Lou: Yes, all the rumours are correct. Plastic St is returning.

Us: I hadn't actually asked you anything yet.

Lou: Yes, yes - I told you, stop pestering me! It's true, all right? This siege by the paparazzi has to stop.

Us: Siege? I just bumped into you in the Co-Op.

Lou: And you can leave my private life out of this as well!

Us: So tell us, as we're here, why did you choose now to come back with more Plastic St?

Lou: Well, as you know, Dame Margaret Montgomery, who plays Granny Gold, has been in rehab, trying to cope with her sudden unexpected success. She was just plucked off the street you know, an obscure, everyday granny -

Us: Ahem. We already revealed in a previous interview that that was a publicity stunt.

Lou: All right, Dame Maggie wanted more cash. Okay? I've had to remortgage my house. But now we're back. The grasping old hag.

Us: Did anyone else have a pay rise? I always thought the vet should have had a bit more to do. He's in the opening credits, after all.

Lou: Yes, but they were filmed when we still had a budget.

Us: So there'll be no special effects this season, then?

Lou: Not quite, but watch out for explosions, special guest stars and... the hand of God!

Us: God? Doesn't He count as a special guest star?

Lou: Not according to Granny Gold's contract.

Us: Fair play.

Halt those ducking stools, the rumours are true! Come back soon for the first of the new episodes, Plastic fans!

Granny Gold is Wilting

Poor old Granny Gold is suffering in this heat, so she has asked me to stop filming for a while until she recovers. The daft old ham. But don't be glum, Plastic St fans. You can always look back at the previous gripping episodes to refamiliarise yourself with the deviously twisted plotlines, or just sit back and listen to the theme tune. Altogether now: "Let's creep / To the windows of Plastic St..."

Episode 18 - Better the Devil

Brandon looked at Ray, prostrate on the floor, and Mary, cooing over the view, and sighed. The plan wasn't going quite as... well, planned. Ray and Mary were at this very moment supposed to be shinning down the cliffside in search of Grandad Gold, preferably slipping and breaking their necks, saving him and Granny Gold the trouble of murdering them.

He was just about to rouse them into action with a convincing wail of despair when someone grabbed him by the shoulders. He span round, avoiding toppling off the edge of the abyss by the narrowest of margins.

"Dad! What are you doing here?"

There was urgency in Richard's face. Urgency, doubt and despair. And a little bit of gravy left from lunchtime. "Brandon, we must play a game of tennis."

"Now? Only I was in the middle of doing Granny a big favour."

Richard gave Brandon a shake. "Now. I have to be sure of something. And this is the only way."

Brandon took a step back, flailed for a moment, then took a step sideways instead. "And I have to be sure of something as well. So you'll have to wait."

"I can't wait! We have to play tennis! Now!"

The noise woke Mary from her revery. "Apparently Grandad Gold has fallen down the abyss," she said lightly.

"My god!" Richard sunk to his knees. "What are we to do?"

"I thought we'd just pop down there and rescue him," said Mary. "Ray?"

"There is nothing out there! Nothing!" groaned Ray. He scrambled to his feet and looked down. "Hang on, there is something down there."

"Hello!" piped up Grandad Gold. He looked very small, standing at the bottom all by himself. "I went off for a little toddle but didn't end up anywhere, so I decided to come back. Better the devil you know, eh? Could anyone give me a hand?"

Episode 17 - A Mother's Love

"I hope Dad's okay," Richard mused, as he stood next to Wendy watching Anita push Amy and Abigail on the roundabout. It didn't seem five minutes since they were at the park - in fact, it was about five minutes. He knew they had a home somewhere; they just never seemed to get to it. He had an image in his mind: a large, whitewashed cottage with a thatched roof and foxgloves growing wild in the front garden. Glancing round at the sea of plastic that faced him wherever he turned, the image suddenly seemed unlikely, but that was his house, he was certain of it.

Wendy put a comforting hand on his arm. "I know. I think he's going... you know."

"To be murdered?"

"No! I was going to say going a bit ga-ga."

Richard sighed. "Maybe it was just my imagination. I know Mum's as mad as a gatepost, but surely even she wouldn't murder her own husband!" He rolled his eyes as if to ridicule his own ridiculous delusions. "Oh, and - talking of attempted murder - Brandon looked well, didn't he?"

"Richard, do you think we could ask him to come home now?" Wendy burst out. "It's been so long. I miss him!"

"Do you?" Richard said, surprised.

"The way he used to scowl at me if I happened to meet him on the landing. The death threat posters on his bedroom door." Wendy smiled fondly. "And the booby traps in his underwear drawer." She glanced at her hands. "All I have left are the scars."

Richard looked at her disbelievingly. Wendy was now close to tears.

"And the way he set fire to the girls' bedroom...!" she sobbed, suddenly losing control completely.

Richard grabbed her by the shoulders. "Doesn't that tell you something? Wendy? He set fire to their room! He was trying to kill them!"

"He was only trying to keep them warm! The radiator needed bleeding!"

Richard very rarely raised his voice in anger against his wife, but this time he did. "There is no way that child is coming back to live under what's left of my roof!"

"You're just jealous because he can play tennis better than you!" burst out Wendy. She clapped her hand to her mouth.

"What?"

"He... I... no, it's nothing. Forget it! Forget all about it!"

Wendy ran from the park, still clutching her mouth as though she could claw the words back inside it. Her mind flashed back to the Holiday Inn Express and Gordon - she'd insisted he wear his tennis kit and sweatband throughout. Could Richard have guessed her secret? Did that explain his irrational hatred of Brandon? And why had she mentioned tennis? Why, why? If Richard ever played a set against Brandon it would be obvious for all to see...

Episode 16 - The Rescue part 2

Note: due to artistic differences and knackered legs, the inanimate object which played 'clifftop' has resigned and been replaced by a new, differently coloured clifftop which Plastic St fans will agree can only enhance this superior soapblog experience.

Ray rushed to the door but Mary grabbed his arm.

"Don't go with him! It's a trick!" she hissed.

"A trick? What do you mean? Are you saying that Brandon is deliberately pretending his Grandad has had an accident so he can lure us to the edge of this... abyss place, and push us off?" Ray rolled his eyes at Brandon and laughed dismissively.

"I mean," said Mary, putting her hands on her hips, "that this is Brandon Gold, the lead guitarist from Gore Hell Vandals and our chief rival in the Plastic St Battle of the Bands! He's trying to distract me so I can't practice my jazz hands!"

Ray shook his head. "Hormones! Come on, son. Show us where the trouble is."

Brandon, still clutching his side in pain, looked past Ray and Mary into the house. "I'll need at least four people to help," he said.

"Well, there's only the children..." Ray said doubtfully.

"They'll do!"

"I'm sorry, but Farmer Fun and the Funtime Furry Friends is on in five minutes," Mary said firmly. "There's no way Tom will leave the house."

Brandon's face darkened. "I can persuade him."

"I think we'd better get to your Grandad and not waste any more time," said Ray. "If we need extra help, Mary can get the rest of Uterus."

"But -" began Brandon.

Ray hustled them through the doorway. "Lead the way, Brandon my boy! I must say," he added to Mary as they walked through Plastic St on to a road he'd never taken before, "life is getting very exciting. I admit I've been a bit... down recently. Felt a bit lost. I imagined myself at the end of a road, facing a drop - all metaphorical, of course - whoooah!"

Ray looked down into the abyss.

Nothing.

There was nothing.

Plastic St just ended, and then it was the end of the world.

His mind raced. They had moved here from somewhere so there had to be another place, another town. But where? Where had they come from? He had a vague memory of packing boxes, nothing more. He felt giddy and slid to the floor.

"My god... there's nothing out there..." he groaned.

Beside him Mary smiled. "What a lovely view. It makes me so happy to think we live in such a beautiful place. I think I want to stay here forever, don't you, Ray?"

Episode 15 - The Rescue

"Now push. Push!"

"I can't!"

"Yes you can, you're just not trying! Now breath!" Ray Plastic puffed rhythmically into his wife's face.

She reached up and slapped him. "For the last time, I am not in labour!"

Ray sat back on his heels, red in the face from exertion. "You had a show."

"No, I said I was going to be IN a show. The Battle of the Bands, remember? With Uterus, the menopausal girl group?"

"But you said you had a contraction!"

"No, I said we had a contract. Now give me a hand getting up off this floor."

With difficulty Ray pulled Mary to a vertical position. "So you're just going to go ahead with this, are you?"

"Didn't you hear what I said, Ray? We have a contract. We're going to be famous. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

Ray shrugged. He didn't really have a concept of fame. The only person who seemed to be well known around Plastic St was Granny Gold, and that was because people just didn't like her. It was more a sort of infamy, really. Of course there were the newsreaders as well, those vague head and shoulders that popped up on the television reading exactly the same news report day after day. Come to think of it, he couldn't remember what the news report actually was, which was rather odd as it never changed.

Quickly he sat down in the armchair on a button which automatically activated the television. The tinny theme music blared out.

"What...?" began Mary, but Ray hushed her.

"The news!" he hissed.

After a few seconds the television switched itself off. The news was over.

Ray shook his head. "Nope. I've still got no idea what they're on about."

"Ray, look at me. Look at me. What do you see?" demanded Mary.

Ray turned round and looked at his wife. "I see a..." He peered at her stomach. "Is that your belly button? It looks like a gear stick!"

Mary's face crumpled. "Well, the record company see a star, and that's what I'm going to be. With or without your support." She waddled off towards the front door.

"Wait! Mary! You can't! I'm sure I glimpsed the head while I was down there! Mary, come back!"

Mary put her hand on the door and looked back at him. She opened her mouth to say something.

The door swung open.

"Mr Plastic! Come quick!" Brandon stood panting on the doorstep with a wild look in his eyes. His hair stood on end and he clutched his side as though in pain. "Grandad's fallen down the abyss!"